Children Second Hand Abuse - A Silent Crime

By Susan Murphy-Milano

We really don't stop and think about the children who grow up in a home filled with violence. As a society we automatically focus our attention on the victim and the abuser. But, it is the children who suffer the most. The children are the victims of a serious crime called "Second Hand Abuse" .

SECOND HAND ABUSE

S urvivor’s Guilt- feelings of guilt while mom or other siblings are being beaten.

E motional shut down from seeing a parent, beaten,
Shoved, chased, or verbally abused.

C onstant sadness at what is happening in their home. The child must cope alone with the violence.

O verwhelming feeling of responsibility. Usually the child feels they did something to cause the abuse.

N ervous system overload/burnout. Repeated stress and trauma results in an unhealthy separation from the child’s feelings.

D espair and depression. The child feels as though the conflicts are never going to end and the situation will never change.


H aving to go to school, concentrate, taking tests after a horrible night of fighting or while worrying about a parent’s safety.

A ngry outbursts by the child or stepping in to stop the abuse. Child takes on “caretaker” role.

N umbing the sadness, pain and loss with food, drugs, alcohol when their home is not a safe, secure, predictable place.

D ifficulty sleeping/wanting to sleep through the fights.
Wanting to escape from the house

A bsolute powerlessness to stop the attacker or save loved ones.

B eing repeatedly thrown to a state of panic/confusion.
(i.e. not knowing what to do….they want a way to stop this....somebody’s going to die.

U nbearable feeling of isolation, no one to tell, no one will believe, no one will help.

S tomach searing, gut wrenching, body crumpling pain, from watching those they love hurt over and over.

E xhaustion from lack of sleep during night battles. Unable to function productively during the day.


Children respond to violence in many ways. Some can become withdrawn and find it difficult to communicate, others express their feelings through behavior problems, some wet their bed until the age of ten or 11, others experience difficulties at school. All children living with abuse are under stress.

That stress may lead to any of the following:

Withdrawal from others.
Aggression or bullying at school .
Tantrums.
Vandalism.
Problems in school, truancy, speech problems, difficulties with learning.
Attention seeking.
Nightmares or insomnia.
Anxiety, depression, fear of abandonment.
Feelings of inferiority.
Drug or alcohol abuse.
Eating disorders.
Constant colds, headaches, mouth ulcers, asthma, eczema.

Older children may try and block out the abuse at home or blame themselves for what's happening. Domestic violence is a secret problem and children are made to feel they cannot tell anyone outside the home what's going on between their parents.

Growing up I experienced many of the same problems. I wet the bed until I was about ten years old. I was a very poor student in school, unable to focus and pay attention. Most nights, our home were filled with constant anger and fighting. I didn't understand what was really going on. Because I could not speak to anyone, I keep everything inside. Not wanting anyone to know our horrible secret. I was helpless. I was the little girl who couldn't save her mother from the terror and abuse by my father. Then in January of 1989, my life would forever be altered. As this man, my father, murdered my mother before taking his own life. It would be some twenty years later before I could speak out, and my voice became loud and clear as people listened to my message "that no child should be raised in a home, awoken up in the middle of the night to screams and cries for help running to their mother aide, only to stand helplessly, watching, as their mother, whom they love, is being beaten." Please if you are involved, or know someone in an abusive relationship, there are agencies across the county standing by right now to provide assistance and direction so that you can be safe. The services are free and confidential. Please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

http://www.movingoutmovingon.com

Susan Murphy Milano, respected author,has been a tireless advocate for battered women & children. On 1/16/1989, Susan's father a Chicago Violent Crimes Detective, murdered her mother & then took his own life. She is the author of "Defending Our Lives" (Doubleday books) and her new book "Moving Out Moving On" when a relationship goes wrong is available at Borders, Borders Express, Walden Books, Amazon or direct from the publisher.